The Wes Craven of love

When I was a kid I had a significant fear-of-loss thing going on. I attribute it to my parents' divorce, which took place when I was two. I was well aware that I had few People in my life. I had my mom, my sis, and my grandparents who lived 5 minutes away. But I essentially only had one parent, and I knew it. I seemed to understand the fragility in that. I got it: at any point so determined by the universe, I could have no parent. And thus my greatest fear was born and continually validated by each and every horrible thing that happened to anyone anywhere else in the world and could possibly happen to someone in my family.

The funny thing is, to this day I know I truly love my partner when I start to imagine horrible fates befalling him - it's a sick sort of litmus test. The first time I imagined BF getting into a gory accident and dying was a bittersweet moment for me. Full of love and devotion and... raw terror. But I knew he was in. He'd become a part of my clan. And my clan makes up the cast of many a gruesome daydream. I can't help it. I have a very dark side. It's not dark as in angry or dark as in cruel, it's just dark as in scared.

I realize I sound insane but I'm not. I just don't want to lose my People. I think my fear-of-loss thing has intensified since my Grandma's death. I'm short a Person. And the problem with losing your People is that they aren't replacable. You can't just get another one. You're left with a hole that remains a hole forever. You can depend on the ones you have left, and if you're really lucky you can create a whole new category and add one from the outside. But you can't replace a Person. And what sucks the most is that you wouldn't want to anyway. You just have to accept the loss. And there isn't a lonelier feeling in the world. I'm not sure I knew that when I was a kid, but something tells me I had a decent grasp of the realities.

And for that they sent me to the elementary school shrink. She gave me stickers. I believe I found that helpful.



Trish said...

Loving someone makes us so vulnerable it's scary. There really isn't anything to do but take a deep breath and push on. And once you have children it intensifies because they can't protect or defend themselves. I feel so overwhelmed with love and the need to protect my immediate family that I really need to check my fear at the door at times or no one would leave the house...LOL!

And now that my oldest is fear and imagination have gone up a notch. It's exhausting!

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