I'm in Orono Maine, at the Black Bear Inn, for a conference. I have absolutely no cell phone reception. I do, however, have free high speed wireless. A little bit weird.
Sunday school
We've only faithfully been going to church for a little over a month (no pun intended). But so far here's what I've learned:
1. You should count to ten, and think about the reasons someone might be acting the way they are, before responding with anger.
2. You should not bully other people in order to get what you want.
3. Even if you don't agree with others, you should always come to the table.
4. Extravagence, in giving and in loving, is acceptable sometimes, even if moderation is preferable most of the time.
I'm not religious per se, but I listen really hard during sermons. I like sermons. Priests spend a lot of time thinking about how we can all be better people. For those of us who struggle to be a better person all the time, it's like a handout.
"My D-I-V-O-R-C-E
becomes fi-na-lized today..."
What the homeless guy at the Government Center t stop was singing as Fiancé and I were heading home tonight after scouting a potential wedding reception site.
It's a catchy tune, really. It's been in my head ever since.
Stress: A perspective offered
"Remember: the wedding is one day. Children, however, are forever."
These words of wisdom imparted during a phone coversation with my sis over a cacophony of little girl screams in the background.
When they say reconstruction, they mean reconstruction
Today I left work and walked over to the Church of the Advent in Beacon Hill. Last minute cold feet before committing to Old North Church. It was pouring rain and a miserable walk. When I turned the corner onto Mt. Vernon I realized that the Church of the Advent is covered in scaffolding.
Oops.
That's not gonna work.
Reputation, reputation, reputation
Last week, over the course of a telephone conversation, a colleague at another college had told me that my reputation preceded me. I told Fiancé this, thinking it was a compliement. He asked me if this colleague specified whether it was a good or bad reputation.
Doubt sucks.
Can you put a pricetag on complete crap?
I'm contemplating scheduling a massage for this evening. It's $99, which just seems like a lot of money when you're not walking away with something in a bag. Shopping is more of a permanent solution to stress because you're soothed and you have a legitimate addition to your wardrobe. But my week might very well have been $99 worth of shitty.
Would returning it as 'defective' be a very bad thing?
This afternoon a skirt I ordered from the Gap arrived. It's a replacement for 'The Skirt' as dubbed by my friend S. My favorite summer skirt - a green cargo skirt - that somehow lost its color in spots. I've been trying to replace it for at least two years now. So when J threw the package down in front of me, I was excited to see my New Improved Skirt. I couldn't get the bag open, so I grabbed a pair of scissors and cut it along the very top. I pulled the skirt out, and as I did a piece of green fabric floated down toward my feet.
Ooops.
Note to self: cut more carefully next time
A Bun(dchen) in the oven
Last night I had a dream that a guy I know was marrying Giselle Bundchen. This guy's effort level/commitment related to women and relationships had recently been a topic of conversation. In my dream Giselle was pregnant, so he decided to step up. What a guy! He said he wanted to 'do the right thing', but even though I was asleep I think I managed to roll my eyes ;)
Sometimes sick is subjective
When I was a kid I always wanted whatever my sister had, even when she was sick and what she had was medicine. I'm not sure if I liked PeptoBismol and baby aspirin or if I just hated to miss out on something. I'd stand behind her with my little hands held up above my head while my mom doled out the medicine.
This morning was J's first day of unemployment. It was really hard to get up and out of bed in a quiet house - she was asleep and happy in her bedroom while I was awake and grumpy in mine. I thought about calling in sick. I'm not sick, but I felt left out.
Jubilant
This morning I had to t into work (long story, we had a little car accident, did I forget to mention that?) and I was looking at all the iPod advertisements posted up on the wall. The people in those ads look so... energetic. It made me tired. I think my iPod is broken. It doesn't make me dance or leap around.
Uncontained
I've been anxious lately. The overarching kind of anxious. The anxious that seeps into everything. When we start to talk about the wedding conflicts I can feel my heart beating in my throat. Today at work things seem tense in the CHW. It's everywhere. I HATE this feeling. It's like my body is made up of 1000 watt nerve endings.
Wake up, sunshine
I had a dream last night that I woke up and sipped on a vodka and lemonade first thing in the morning (like before I was even out of bed). As I was sipping I remember wondering if this was problematic behavior.
I might be a little stressed out.
Comforting thought
You can make toast, forget about it, leave it sitting on the counter for an hour, and when you go back for it... it still tastes good. Toast is very dependable.
Running on empty
Today was my final weekly class in a two-month series - it's where I've spent eight consecutive Wednesdays. I'll miss all my classmates. They were fun. After we were set free early today I took the #10 bus to the red line and spent most of the trip home chatting with a fellow colleague. She asked me how the wedding plans are coming. Then she got an earful.
I walked through my front door, threw my jeans and t-shirt on the floor in favor of my Mizzou running shorts and a sports bra, and hit the road. It was a beautiful day today and I had some steam to blow off. I drove to Fresh Pond and did a quick loop around. Just being outside was calming and rejuvenating.
Without disclosing personal issues or being passive-aggressive by bitching in my blog, suffice it to say that Fiancé and I are having some issues. They aren't necessarily even our issues. But we've been going to the mat about them nonetheless. And it feels shitty to fight with Fiancé about our wedding. We should just be happy. I wish everyone else would remove themselves from an equation that they don't factor into to begin with.
And therein lies the problem: Fiancé and I feel differently about how much of a say anyone else should have in our lives. I'm from the 'it's my life and I'll do whatever I damn well please' camp, while Fiancé isn't quite as fierce in guarding his adult-given right to choose for himself. He's independent, but he's not independent on principle. I'm independent on principle: I earned it, it's mine, don't encroach on my territory.
There's been encroaching.
I know that I'll have to deal with all of these issues productively and collaboratively very soon. My stubborn reactions aren't fair to Fiancé, or at least not helpful to him. But for today it felt great to succumb to my frustration and duke it out with my sneakers and a decent stretch of pavement.
"Is Vermont the Next Hawaii?"
Title of an article in the Globe Wedding Issue.
Answer to that puzzler? No. It isn't.
I don't want to burn in paradise
It's so cold here. Below zero cold, with the wind chill factor. It hurts my body to be outside.
This evening I went swimming after work, and wanted to stay in the pool forever. Instinct makes you not want to get wet (at least not for sport) during arctic weather, but the pool is always warmest when the temperatues outside are coldest. It's like a haven, if you can just convince yourself to strip down to your speedo and jump in. Once you're in, it's hard to get back out.
But eventually the chlorine starts to prickle your skin and your hands and feet turn pruney. You've outstayed your welcome, and it's time to move on. Too much of a good thing. The classic catch.
It comes in waves
J asked me why I was so quiet last night at her fundraising dinner. There were fifteen of us seated around a table in a private dining room and during the entire four course meal I barely uttered a word.
I miss my Grandma. When you lose someone, I think you expect to miss them the most when you're miserable. But you don't. You miss them the most when you're happy, when you have good stuff to share.
I know she's with me. I can feel her presence despite her absence. But I didn't get to tell her about my dress. I wanted to tell her about my dress. Sometimes it doesn't feel fair.
Let's get it started
I bought my wedding dress this weekend! It's beautiful. It was a little surreal when I tried on my first wedding dress ever. I always believed it was bad luck, so I never stepped into a wedding gown before I got engaged. The woman clipped me, handed me a pair of satin sandals, and ushered me onto the podium. She pinned a viel and a headpiece in place and stood back. And there I was... a bride.
"Wow." Me, unable to take my eyes off of my reflection.
"Do you like it?" Owner of the shop.
"No, I don't really. But holy sh*t. I'm getting married." Long pause as it sunk in. "Not in this particular dress. But I'm getting married."
Eventually we stumbled across the perfect dress. I wasn't expecting to find it so soon. Or to be so sure. But it was clear the moment I stepped into it: this is the one. So I bought it.
Holy sh*t.
Things are starting to get very interesting around here.
Defector
J had a bad day today. After swimming and sitting in the eucalyptus steam room at the gym I hopped in my car and headed home, only to be called nonstop by my roommate because our landlady's washing machine overflowed and water was leaking through our kitchen ceiling.
I came home, ran out and got an extra stock of papertowels, and am now heading out to Fiancé's, where heat is aplenty and ceilings are dry.
Cherry on top
Today I made an appointment to go wedding dress shopping on Saturday afternoon. I keep forgetting that this whole marriage thing comes with a very posh outfit!!! The best ever excuse to shop has just landed at my happy little feet.
Don't worry, I haven't forgotten that the wedding is about pledging my eternal love and devotion to Fiancé. I just plan to do so in the most stunning piece of eveningwear on the planet.
Mother f*cking NStar
Our February heating bill was HUGE. Now J keeps turning the thermostat down, and has an added justification. What sucks is that I wasn't even home for most of February. So the heat was probably off anyway.
I am destined to freeze to death in my own home.
I won't thaw until May, possibly even June given Boston temps.
Fabulous.
