Yesterday I went and got my hair done and then volunteered at my in-law's church cooking for and hosting several homeless families in the area. It was a full but fun day. One of my many goals for this year was to get more involved and help out in the community. I'm off to a slow start but getting better. It's so hard to donate time when you don't seem to have much to spare, but I guess that's what makes it all the more an issue of generosity rather than convenience. Several volunteers brought their families, which I think is a wonderful way to model for children the value of trying to make an impact in your community.
Things finally seem to be slowing down some with Hubs' work load, and that's a very welcome change. He was actually home all weekend! And we were even able to go swimming together in the evening one day the middle of last week. It's amazing how much of a difference it makes in the general pace of our life when he's not heading out the door at 6am on a Saturday or - worse - not coming home at all on a Friday night. Things are calmer, which makes me feel like the chaos we've been experiencing was in large part due to circumstance (me starting a new job, summer plans and travel, Hubs' hellish summer work schedule) and doesn't represent how thing will always be. That's a relief.
I've started the third Twilight book. I heard 3 is much better than 1 and 2, and 4 is the best of all, so I'm looking forward to getting back into the series. I'm big on the vampire stuff. It's fun :)
My colleague gave me some Irises so I need to work on planting them today. The weather here is completely fall-like - it's not even going to hit 70 today. It's chilly. I guess in a lot of ways I'm ready for fall. Don't get me wrong, as a Minnesota gal I REALLY enjoy summer. But sometimes change is a good thing, and I think I'm ready for a little.
In the air
Snapshots
Some days there's nothing like a good bullet:
- Hubs has been working insane hours, and most nights last week stayed overnight close to work at an apartment they graciously have for his usage as he's working his ass off and unable to spend any time with his family. Nice of them to provide accommodation. We miss him.
- A few words on the baby front, which I've purposely been avoiding mentioning for many months now. The thing is, we haven't been trying. There, I've said it. Cat's out of the bag. No medicated cycles beyond that initial failed one, no tests, no blood work, no injections, no ultrasounds. I've been on the pill. I feel like a bad want-to-be mom for saying that, but it just didn't fit into our lives as I struggled to adjust to a new job and most days barring a rare exception Hubs and I are both so burnt out that we barely have the energy left over for each other, let alone anyone or anything else. I have always had plans for how things would be when we finally got pregnant, and I don't want to compromise on where I am in my life when that eventually happens. I know things can't be perfect, but I want things to be calm before our worlds get turned upside down. I want us to be in a good place, I want our home to be ready, and I want to be able to welcome the joy and happiness with open arms and hearts (and schedules).
- All that being said, we're set to start trying again soon enough. Whether or not we go through with that is uncertain at this point, as I'm having some serious doubts about the timing yet again. But whatever we decide, I guess I just need to make no apologies for that. It's an amazing gift to be a mother, and some people try so hard to make that happen without breaks or selfish thoughts or doubts. I'm learning I'm not that person, so I'm owning up to that fact.
- I also don't really know how much I want to talk about our baby journey, or potential lack thereof, on this blog because this blog is my place to talk about my whole life and I don't want to feel like I can only write when I have something meaningful to talk about. I'm full of fun, meaningless stuff!!!
- I won't be eligible to compete for a work-from-home slot until December, so this first wave of lucky suckers doesn't include yours truly :( I'm seriously bummed. I'm hoping that a second round will happen in December, and crossing my fingers that it'll work out then. It rained a lot this week, and my longest single-direction commute took an hour and 45 minutes. TORTURE.
- We have too many weeds in our yard, and today I need to get SERIOUS with the Weed-B-Gone. SERIOUS. Because in this neighborhood people get very edgy if you're not on top of your yard work. That's on my agenda for today, since it's not too hot outside and Hubs is - again - gone until around 10pm.
- We want to build a deck on the house and do some landscaping to add more trees to the yard, etc. We're not sure if that'll happen this fall or next fall, but it's the first major home project topping our list. If only we ever had time to work on figuring it out.
- We're wondering - just a little - why we bought a house. When I asked him last night, Hubs said, "It's just what you're expected to do. Get married, buy a house." Too true. But it's a giant pain in the *ss! Does anyone else find that to be the case? The cleaning, the yard work, the home improvement that even if you think your house is perfect initially you're nonetheless eventually tempted by inevitable dissatisfaction to do? You may as well get a giant black Sharpie and X out every weekend in your calendar! And the very worst part is, we're already talking about where we'd want to move next, after we unload this present burden and upgrade to a bigger, more time intensive investment! (As I sit writing this by an open window I'm surrounded by the sound of lawn mowers. Thankfully my father-in-law mowed for us this week, since we were too busy to do it ourselves. And by we I mean Hubs. Elle Charlie doesn't mow.)
Like a bucket of cold water
Last night my friend C and I went to our fitness club and ordered sandwiches while relaxing at the outdoor pool. Then we chilled in the hot tub for a while. Just what I needed on a Friday evening after a very long work week.
But what I wasn't expecting was C's confession of a near indiscretion that happened in her marriage a few weeks back. I say near because she nipped it in the bud before anything physical happened and cut off contact with the old flame who had recently re-entered her life via Facebook. She came clean to her husband, and they talked about recent weaknesses in their relationship that had led her to look for support and affirmation elsewhere.
But holy crap did it rock my world! C and I have a very similar past when it comes to how we used to view men and relationships: as dispensable and always replaceable with the next guy who was willing to come along and pay us some quality attention. So two thoughts rocketed around in my head last night: if it could happen to C, could it happen to me? And... if it could happen to me, could it happen to Hubs?
How does this stuff happen? How is marriage so hard, even when it's so easy? How can you go from domestic bliss to a near slip-up in a matter of weeks?
C and I ended up having great conversations last night about how things happen, how to protect a marriage, and the importance of honest and open communication. We talked about safeguarding your relationship, and talking about cheating with your partner before it's ever even a thought in anyone's mind - having it be a topic of conversation like you how you want to spend your money or what your travel dreams are. We talked about our pasts and how you need to be aware of your own vulnerabilities.
But talking about cheating and affairs is really scary stuff. I don't think of it often at all - I'm very secure in my relationship with Hubs. But I guess it's when you're secure that you have to start the difficult conversations of 'what if' and 'how can we prevent...?'.
On the one hand, I think it could never happen with Hubs and I because we have such a strong and nurturing relationship. On the other hand, as a child of divorce, I know that how you start out isn't always how you finish off. I keep reminding myself that it's all about choices. Love is a choice, not just an emotion. You have to make the choice every single day, and if you do, maybe that's how you get to your 50th wedding anniversary.
Spin it
I'm trying to have a positive outlook right now. I have to admit, it's a challenge. I miss vacation and my family, and being back to work sucks. It's busy and hectic and every day is like running a marathon - I just want to drop into bed when it's over; I feel devoid of all energy after the fast pace and the constant interactions with people.
But I've determined that since - for right now - the job isn't changing, I need to change the way I experience my job. I need to have a good attitude and remember that it's only work. It'll likely get better once I'm adjusted to it - I hate change and new things and the learning curve that stems from that newness. There's a possibility working from home eventually will nix my crap commute. The situation isn't static. It could improve. Until it does, I'm going to make the most of it ('even if it kills me' seems to follow naturally here, but for the sake of positivity I'll leave it out of the sentence).
Back to life, back to reality
Now officially begins the month of August for me - I'll barely see Hubs for most of it. This week I won't see him at all until Wednesday.
I hate the month of August :(
I'm trying to remember all the fun things we have to look forward to in the near future, but this morning I'm failing miserably. Labor Day, a long weekend in October... I know there's more to come. But the post vacation blues are full force.
It comes in waves
I left last Sunday morning to meet my family at the beach in the Outer Banks of NC at Nags Head and we returned home yesterday. For a week I slept to the sound of the waves crashing right outside my bedroom window. I soaked up some much needed vitamin D (miraculously through my 85 sunblock), ate rapaciously, napped often, and read until I fell asleep with my book knocking me in the face. My sheets and clothes were salty and sandy and life was perfect.
For a Jersey shore girl, it just doesn't get better than going to back to the ocean.
