Oh captain my captain

My Grandma died last Thursday. I wouldn't even know where to begin in describing her to you, except to say that she is the most kind, decent, unconditionally loving person I have ever met. She was like a mother to me because she raised me beside my own mother. I've never felt this much grief. And yet when I realize that she is so strong within me, I know I've gained everything I'll ever need in my life during these past 31 years. For that precious time with her, I can be nothing but grateful.

But I would sell my soul for five more minutes. One last moment. One more touch. For that I would give anything. I guess that's what mourning is. Wishing. Yearning for what we've lost. Even if it was more than any person could ever hope for. Maybe even moreso because of that. Something so perfect you don't want to let it go.

 

7 comments:

Bob said...

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10:00 PM
Moxie said...

Glad to see you're back, at least in a virtual sense. So, so sorry to hear about your grandma. There really are no words for that kind of loss. Thinking of you...

2:38 PM
ElleCharlie said...

Yeah, probably not back till Sunday in a corporal sense, but it's nice to read what everyone is up to so I thought I'd hop online. Thank you for your thoughts - I so appreciated your phone message and have felt your support as a friend, which is worth more than anything else in this kind of situation.

4:37 PM
Deanna said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. My maternal grandmother died when I was in my early 20's. We weren't close but she was a huge force in my life. Well, she was just a huge force, period. Fun, crazy, silly, loving... I wish I could have more time with her, too, especially now that I might know the right questions to ask. I'm not really sure if I believe in ghosts or spirits or angels, but I can feel her with me quite often. At the risk of sounding crazy, I know she's there, especially when I'm at my lowest.

7:03 PM
Crys :D said...

I'm so sorry :(

My grandmother died last year. I think I understand what you're feeling.. guilt, and sadness, and regret, and hope, and relief. It's a wierd time. Take your time.

10:48 PM
Trish said...

So sorry to hear about your loss...sometimes it's helpful to tell (write) about some memories you have of her. A blog would be a good place to do that, no?

4:46 PM
ElleCharlie said...

Thank you so much for your condolences and thoughts - it's helpful to hear how others have felt and dealt with the death of a grandparent and I appreciate your willingness to share those experiences.

Trish, I think you're right, it would be great to write about some memories I have - that will be my next post :)

9:44 PM