Alphabet abuse

It's new territory for me that no one can seem to correctly spell or pronounce my last name. Which is not that hard of a thing to do, but somehow it's hard for people to do it.

Last week I was on the phone trying to order my free credit report from one of the reporting agencies. It was an automated system, so it was kind of annoying to start off with since you have to do a lot of "press one to continue in English, marca dos a continuar en español." So by the time the computerized female voice prompted me to give my name, the frustration was already brewing.

Automaton: "Please say, and then spell, your last name. For example, if your last name is Smith, you would say Smith, S-M-I-T-H."

Me: "Common Irish last name, X-X-X-X-X-X."

Automaton: "Thank you. I heard Krakowski, K-R-A-K-O-W-S-K-I. If this is correct, say yes. If this is not correct, say no." For her to say, and then spell, all this in her computerized voice took FOREVER. Plus, um, wha?

Me, impatiently: "Seriously? NO!"

Automaton, clearly thrown by the use of the seriously: "I'm sorry, I didn't understand your response. Let me repeat what I heard. I heard Krakowski, K-R-A-K-O-W-S-K-I. If this is correct, say yes. If this is not correct, say no."

Me, accepting that going off-script with my responses would only slow things down even further: "NO."

Automaton: "Okay. Let's try again. Please say, and then spell, your last name. For example, if your last name is Smith, you would say "Smith, S-M-I-T-H."

Me, having dramatically thrown my body into my office chair while she'd repeated the directions for a second time: "Common Irish last name, X-X-X-X-X-X." Twisting the cord around my neck for no one's amusement but my own.

Automaton: "I heard Xanvanken, X-A-N-V-A-N-K-E-N. If this is correct, say yes. If this is not correct, say no."

Honestly, she really did say a last name starting with X. Whose last name starts with X? I have never in my life met someone whose last name starts with X.

Me, unable to control my frustration: "For Christ's sake, NO!!!!"

Automaton, clearly thrown by the whole Lord's name in vain thing: "I'm sorry, I didn't understand your response. Let me repeat what I heard. I heard Xanvanken, X-A-N-V-A-N-K-E-N. If this is correct, say yes. If this is not correct, say no."

Me, attempting to regain some meager amount of control (I mean, why I can't just say 'no' without embellishment is beyond me): "NOOOOOO." Defeatedly untwisting the cord from around my neck and resting my head on my desk.

Automaton: "Okay. Let's try again. Please say, and then spell, your last name. For example, if your last name is Smith, you would say "Smith, S-M-I-T-H."

Me: "COMMON IRISH LAST NAME, X-X-X-X-X-X." If I say it louder, she will hear it better.

Automaton: "I heard Eshkashem. E-S-H-K-A-S-H-E-M. If this is correct, say yes. If this is not correct, say no."

At this point, I finally hung up. Okay, okay, I let loose a stream of expletives and then finally hung up. But it didn't take long for my anger to melt away into sadness. I no longer have an idiot-proof last name.

But I don't take all the responsibility for that miserable exchange. The automaton was way off given the sounds and letters I provided. I mean, I don't have an idiot proof last name, but I also don't have an afghani one.