My Native American name is Little Big Trouble

Hey, where you goin'? You love my kisses, right?


Um, this is my couch.


Get your camera out of my face.

I figure it's been a while since I posted anything about our current baby, so there you go. Hero lives on, as naughty and bitey and demanding as ever. Recently someone told us that having a dog does not in any way prepare you for having a baby, and I had to laugh. We're doing this for nothing? If having a baby is 1000x worse than having a Hero, we're in trouble! I know having a dog is not the same as having a baby, but Hero's thrown our once very simple and self-focused lives into a tailspin. We take caring for him so seriously, especially since he came with so many medical and behavioral problems. I have to believe he's a trial run. Otherwise, it'd be like amputating a cancerous limb to save your life, only to find out that the cancer has spread and turns out you lost your leg for nothing.

A few good doctors?

WARNING: Rant ahead. If you don't feel like bearing witness to some serious negativity I suggest you don't read on.

Today I woke up angry at every doctor that told me, insisted to me, that everything is fine and that I don't fit any profiles for hormonal imbalances or for polycystic ovaries. From what I've read, the 'profile' is so wide and varied that up to 15% of women will be diagnosed with cystic ovaries in their reproductive years. Apparently all you need to do is not ovulate and have cysts on your ovaries - and I'm at least 1 for 2 there - who knows what's going on with my ovaries now since they haven't been viewed via ultrasound since the miscarriage - maybe they are 'cysty' now? I'm angry that my OPK once again indicates I'm ovulating (for the, um, fifth day in a row - yeah, not good). I'm angry that I didn't push harder - I'm angry that they wouldn't do more tests after the miscarriage. I'm angry that they wouldn't do more tests before the miscarriage. And I'm angry that my friend J in Boston chose this morning to tell me that she and her boyfriend are pregnant. I thought she was going to tell me he'd proposed, but no. That would be too easy to digest. This is far, far better. More than anything, I'm angry that I'm angry - that I'm allowing myself to be someone who is not happy for someone else's wonderful, exciting, unexpected news.

I want to take the doctor's 'profiles' and drop kick them up their *sses. I want to scream at the top of my lungs that I TOLD EVERYONE SOMETHING WASN'T RIGHT! I want to know that when I have my doctor's appointment in two weeks, they're going to DO SOMETHING. I want to know that they'll run the tests, ALL of the tests, and that they'll take me seriously. I want them to look into it. I want more blood work, I want another ultrasound, I want an answer as to why things are not going right.

I think I'm a pretty good medical consumer. I know my background info, I do my research. I'm very attuned to my body and generally very well educated when it comes to health related topics. I'm relatively insistent while still being realistic about the rights of my insurance company not to have to pay for unsubstantiated tests and unwarranted exams just to make me feel better. But I feel railroaded over when it comes to IF. As if you the minute you begin to speak, doctors dismiss you as being impatient or paranoid. The two previous successes with getting pregnant seem to bolster their claims - "Just wait it out. It'll happen."

I'm done waiting it out. It hasn't happened.

"You want the truth?"

"I think I'm entitled to it."

"You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!"

Huh.
Well, yeah.
Maybe.

Monday

Today I believe we will never have a baby. Is that true? I hope not. But it's difficult for me to have faith. For a while things seemed like they were normal - like maybe getting pregnant for us would be just as easy as it is for anyone else. Months later it doesn't quite seem that way though. Do I know I can get pregnant? Sure: I have, twice. But does that mean I can get pregnant now and stay pregnant? I don't think it does. I guess we'll see.

I'm waiting for my karma to boomerang back and grace me with some good fortune. I'm waiting for my wish list to finally see some ink in the form of a check mark or a cross out here and there. I don't think I'm asking for too much. And I'm doing all I can to help fate with its overdue delivery. I don't want a lot. I just want a job and a baby. Ideally in that order :)

This is the day that I accept that we (meaning: I) have some sort of fertility issues. This is the day I stop hoping and praying we'll get and stay pregnant without medical intervention. I made the doctor's appointment. I set the ball in motion. I've asked for help.

I guess it's out of my hands.

A return

In some weird ways, life is reverting. I don't know if it's good or bad - it just is.

For the first time in months the kids next door came over to play with Hero. We'd banned the play dates back in October or November when we were more worried about Hero biting. On Sunday we saw the kids' mom in the parking lot of Target and let her know that Hero was mostly rehabilitated. So at 4:30pm today, the doorbell rang once, and then about fifteen times in rapid successsion until I let S and J in. They're in the backyard with Hero now, squealing and giggling and running. S fell face down in a giant puddle (it's disgusting here, all melty and rainy) and is dripping wet from head to toe, but still having a blast.

This means that from now on, I'll be interrupted every day, sometimes twice a day, by the incessent ringing of the doorbell and two little boys with gapped, partly-toothless smiles on my front steps. Whereas there was a time when this genuinely upset and drained me, now it's almost welcome. I say almost because it's difficult to not find the pounding of the doorbell irritating - I have to actually make an effort to find it endearing :)

Secondly, after much soul searching, I've decided to reup my gym membership. I'm doing this mostly so that I can take yoga and pilates classes - something to stretch out my tired winter bones - but also so that I can begin to find a compromise between my former self and my 'new' self. My former self being a compulsive over-exerciser pushing every limit, my new self being a woman trying to baby her body (pun intended, since this all began with our hope to start a family).

Going cold turkey worked well at first - it allowed me to see how much stress I'd been putting on my body and to gain some much needed extra weight and body fat percentage points. But it left me feeling like I'd gone from one end of the spectrum to the other, and so I'm searching for a happy medium. We'll see how it goes. I don't know if I've come far enough or not. But I know that I have my priorities in order. It's a baby-ready body I'm after, not a perfect one.

These two things have nothing in common, but somehow I feel like things are moving in a positive direction. Maybe it's the winter thaw outside that's allowing me to see that life won't always be how it is right now for us. The snow is melted, and I can see the grass underneath it. Times will change. I just have to be willing to let them.

Surrounded

I'm at Starbucks surrounded by three teenager girls all squished around the fireplace, texting like mad and having inane conversations. Why why why????? I came here for some peace and quiet!!!

You're eligible for the sh*t luck tax rebate!

Tax day was not so bad this year, but we did move halfway across the country, purchase a home, get hit in the stock market, and go from a two income family to a one income family. So I figured we were due for a break and thankfully that's how it worked out :)

Hubs was home sick today so we've had an extra 'family' day which has been really nice, even though I wish he were feeling better.

Fingers crossed

Today is tax day at the Mac house - I'm hoping hoping hoping we'll get money back. Last year we got trounced on tax day - to the tune of thousands of dollars - and if that happens again this year I will freak out. Seriously.

Wish us luck!

Haircut day!

Don't worry, this time we went with the professionals! He's not as cute as he was when he was all floppy crazy fuzzy, but he's still pretty handsome :)

He also got his stitches out today, so no more cone. And I got three puppy-free hours this morning while he was at the groomers!!! We're all feeling better at the Mac household today.

Graduated obsession

Once I get started, I'm like a pit bull with a human body part.

So...

My dad is good friends with an historian who just wrote a book about Hef entitled Mr. Playboy. I'd been planning to go visit my dad so I asked him if, while I'm in town, we could have Steve over for dinner. He thinks it's a great idea!

Now I have to go get the book - I probably should read it first :)

Too fun!!!

Stepping into someone else's shoes

Weird! We got a renewal notice in the mail for the previous home owners' website/blog, and so we looked it up. Naturally I looked at backlog posts from April - June 08, and got to read about our home sale from their perspective - it felt so sneaky! Like eavesdropping. Very fun.

Boo hiss

So I take back what I said in my last post - Hef has new girlfriends now? Holly, Bridget and Kendra are out? Ew. That stinks.

Boo.

BOO!