WARNING: Rant ahead. If you don't feel like bearing witness to some serious negativity I suggest you don't read on.
Today I woke up angry at every doctor that told me, insisted to me, that everything is fine and that I don't fit any profiles for hormonal imbalances or for polycystic ovaries. From what I've read, the 'profile' is so wide and varied that up to 15% of women will be diagnosed with cystic ovaries in their reproductive years. Apparently all you need to do is not ovulate and have cysts on your ovaries - and I'm at least 1 for 2 there - who knows what's going on with my ovaries now since they haven't been viewed via ultrasound since the miscarriage - maybe they are 'cysty' now? I'm angry that my OPK once again indicates I'm ovulating (for the, um, fifth day in a row - yeah, not good). I'm angry that I didn't push harder - I'm angry that they wouldn't do more tests after the miscarriage. I'm angry that they wouldn't do more tests before the miscarriage. And I'm angry that my friend J in Boston chose this morning to tell me that she and her boyfriend are pregnant. I thought she was going to tell me he'd proposed, but no. That would be too easy to digest. This is far, far better. More than anything, I'm angry that I'm angry - that I'm allowing myself to be someone who is not happy for someone else's wonderful, exciting, unexpected news.
I want to take the doctor's 'profiles' and drop kick them up their *sses. I want to scream at the top of my lungs that I TOLD EVERYONE SOMETHING WASN'T RIGHT! I want to know that when I have my doctor's appointment in two weeks, they're going to DO SOMETHING. I want to know that they'll run the tests, ALL of the tests, and that they'll take me seriously. I want them to look into it. I want more blood work, I want another ultrasound, I want an answer as to why things are not going right.
I think I'm a pretty good medical consumer. I know my background info, I do my research. I'm very attuned to my body and generally very well educated when it comes to health related topics. I'm relatively insistent while still being realistic about the rights of my insurance company not to have to pay for unsubstantiated tests and unwarranted exams just to make me feel better. But I feel railroaded over when it comes to IF. As if you the minute you begin to speak, doctors dismiss you as being impatient or paranoid. The two previous successes with getting pregnant seem to bolster their claims - "Just wait it out. It'll happen."
I'm done waiting it out. It hasn't happened.
"You want the truth?"
"I think I'm entitled to it."
"You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!"
Huh.
Well, yeah.
Maybe.
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16 comments:
Me too! I'm angry too!
I completely agree with you. There's nothing worse (whether IF or other things) than being told you're feelings and thoughts are unreasonable.
I would demand to know from them, and have them treat you how you need to be treated.
*hugs*
A similar thing happened to me.. but all the Doc's could come up with was that I had 'unexplained infertility' meaning all the tests came out normal for both me and my husband.. they threw their hands up and said 'well that's all we can do'. So we felt our next and last option was IVF.. although I think more tests could have been done, etc.. so frustrating when it looks on paper that the plumbing is working so to speak. My best to you and your next Doc appt. I am crossing my fingers for you!!
Well-directed anger can be a great ally, my dear. You DESERVE to know the truth - you're paying these people A LOT of money to do their job. And if you go back in 2 weeks and they don't listen, then find someone who will. Know you're not alone and there are lots of people hanging out in your corner. And we can all be angry with you. ;o) *hugs*
After having suffering through TWO bad medical professionals at the expense of just taking THAT MUCH LONGER to finally get pregnant, I feel your pain. You have to find the right doctor to get the right answers. I am thinking of you and hoping you find the right person to talk to. AND TO RUN EVERY TEST NECESSARY to diagnose your situation. Don't forget that. I got all kinds of crap text book scenarios without a real legitimate test run on me first. Assholes.
8hugs*
Alison said it well-- often, I have found, that dr shopping is the best way to advocate for yourself. Anger can be a wonderful motivator if you allow it.
I hope that your dr listens and if not there is one out there who will. There will be a dr who will run the tests and not make you wait for a possible third loss.
If you are interested in more info on PCOS please let me know and I will share what I have.
On a side note-- what you are feeling about your friend is something that every infertile woman has felt at one time or another.
Cheering you on...
I agree - Get angry! More people should get angry at the right reasons, Like you.
I am rooting for you
Hell, now I'M angry too.
Keep going. Keep demanding answers. Keep praying. Keep getting pissed. It's all good.
Laura--we have a new dog, his name is Dudley. There are photos on my blog. But to see earlier ones, you will have to scroll down.
I am very, very sorry that you have to go through this. Don't feel bad about being annoyed about your friend though--that is totally normal and to be honest I am a little annoyed about that too on your behalf.
I want this for you so much ... you will have your baby, I just know you will. Hang in there.
You have every right to be mad, and I have been there myself.
After 7 miscarriages (one at almost 6 months gestation) we were told that I couldn't carry a child and to look at adoption. We were well along the adoption path when I got pregnant with The Dictator.
After the Dictator was born I miscarried one more time and then got pregnant with The Deuce.
Sometimes it can work out but until then you need to get your cranky out at the doctors.
Thanks for stopping by the blog.
It's fustrating when you know something is wrong and everyone is ignoring you, if you don't like the way the doctor is treating you - get a new one - chances are it's not you - it's them (for your own info I was told that it was "all in my head" by one doctor and 6 months later after suffering for 6 more months, I got a referral to another doctor who said "you're not crazy you have stage IV endo".
Sorry about the misscarriages, it must be so heartbreaking - all I can say is learn as much as you possibly can, it's so important to be fully informed before going to the doc.
take care
This is GOOD! Anger is GOOD! Anger, in some cases, does produce results. I think once you get started with the tests and having doctors listen to you, you'll feel better about the faith issue you mentioned before. I know that once we were actively doing something, I felt better than just "doing it," you know? Don't let those doctors brush you off. If your appointment in two weeks does not satisfy you, don't leave the office until you are satisfied!
Keep us updated :)I'm proud of you!
anger is ok. anger is an emotion. feel it. notice it. don't feel guilty about feeling angry. be thankful you are feeling anything at all!!
it's this pain that will make success that much sweeter. all the best, lovely.
i'm all about the negative rantings. especially when they're totally justified.
keep us posted!
I think it's perfectly normal and okay for you to be mad. At you aren't mad at your friend, you're mad at the situation, and not HER situation, just the fact it seems these doctors aren't really investigating enough and there HAS to be more they can do, but they aren't, and you are mad because for someone else, it's so easy, and you have to struggle to even TRY.
Yea, I understand completely, and don't feel bad because you are mad. Our anger is sometimes helpful for kicking other people into gear.
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