Monday

Today I believe we will never have a baby. Is that true? I hope not. But it's difficult for me to have faith. For a while things seemed like they were normal - like maybe getting pregnant for us would be just as easy as it is for anyone else. Months later it doesn't quite seem that way though. Do I know I can get pregnant? Sure: I have, twice. But does that mean I can get pregnant now and stay pregnant? I don't think it does. I guess we'll see.

I'm waiting for my karma to boomerang back and grace me with some good fortune. I'm waiting for my wish list to finally see some ink in the form of a check mark or a cross out here and there. I don't think I'm asking for too much. And I'm doing all I can to help fate with its overdue delivery. I don't want a lot. I just want a job and a baby. Ideally in that order :)

This is the day that I accept that we (meaning: I) have some sort of fertility issues. This is the day I stop hoping and praying we'll get and stay pregnant without medical intervention. I made the doctor's appointment. I set the ball in motion. I've asked for help.

I guess it's out of my hands.

 

20 comments:

seussgirl said...

I remember taking that step and how that made me feel. I hope that this is a step in the right direction, and a step towards getting those items checked off!

4:06 PM
michelle said...

Been there. Done that. I know all the positive advice doesn't help. I know that it seems like all you see where ever you go is pregnant women and babies and it sucks. So I won't tell you it will work out and it will be all right and all that shit that used to piss me off. All I will tell you is that it helps to get it out, to find a chat room or something on line of ladies going through the exact same thing. That was the only thing that helped me keep my sanity, other people who were in the same boat and knew what I was talking about. That and don't hold it in. That almost killed me. For real. Vent, scream, cry, and remember, hubby doesnt live with it 24/7 like you do. Don't take it out on him when he says something like "Don't worry, honey, We can try again next month." He will say that and you will want to take the nearest sharp objext and stab him in the eyeballs with it. It is hormores and genetics, he can't help it. Keep on keeping on.

4:13 PM
Michelle said...

Good luck sweets! I hope it all works out the way you want it to.

4:38 PM
Christine Slay said...

I remember the day I felt that exact same way and did the exact same thing. Was the best thing I ever did and I feel it will be for you guys as well!! Have faith Elle. Good things are ahead...

4:39 PM
Kat said...

Good luck, hun. Prayers and positive thoughts headed your way.

5:28 PM
s.e. said...

You made a brave step. I went in kicking and screaming and it took me awhile to accept that I was infertile. Hopefully will find that it is all worth it. Soon.

5:42 PM
Mel said...

I had this same day and I guess in a roundabout way it was the beginning that got me to the literal end I am about to experience. I wish the exact same for you, my dear.
*hugs*

5:57 PM
blissfully caffeinated said...

I'm sorry you're having a bad time. It took me years to get pregnant with my first and then it was almost too easy to get pregnant with the second. In my case there was never an explanation for why we had such difficulty, but after many tests and tears and antidepressants I did get pregnant without outside intervention. See a specialist before you freak out, and keep a good thought. Sending posistive vibes your way!

xo

6:23 PM
Grad3 said...

While in and coming from a similar perspective-- I wanted to say it's hard and scary but worthwhile.

I hope that this road is short and that you leave your appt filled with hope.

There's a whole community filled with info who are cheering you on.

~Many hugs~

7:49 PM
Casey said...

Ugh, I'm sorry you're having to go through this. We did too, it took a long time (and several tests and fertility treatments) but then we got pregnant on our own after giving up trying. I have no words of wisdom but I'm glad you're moving forward and seeing a doctor. Good luck!

8:12 PM
PJ said...

For me, I don't think it was a realization, but more like an unraveling of some sorts.

Some of that is defintely denial, for which I am famously good at!

It's brave for you to face this head on, and you'll thank yourself later down the road that you made the first steps.

8:20 PM
alison said...

Sometimes it's ok for things to be out of your hands - it's not something you can fix alone, like you said, and it's sort of someone else's onus to fix for you. It'll take the weight off your shoulders if you let it. You will have a baby, somehow, some way. It's ok if you don't have the faith or hope right now. I have faith and hope for you and I'll hold it until you want it back. *hugs*

9:01 PM
Fertilized said...

You are in good company and a great team of supporters. You are a brave and courageous woman! Cheers for making the appointment.

9:26 PM
Cat said...

Girl, good for you!

I'm too scared to even try the second time, so you're already ::that:: much braver (more brave?) than I am.

10:54 PM
Laura said...

Good luck friend! My thoughts and prayers are being said for you. Take care!

11:29 PM
Trish said...

I hope your dreams come true.

Best of luck to you and hubs :)

11:56 AM
Bina said...

I can only give what hope I know of. I have a few friends, (two here at work) whose wives could not get pregnant. Within three months of getting accupuncture, they were pregnant. And one of those went to accupuncture three years later and got pregnant again.

Just a thought.

12:22 PM
~The South Dakota Cowgirl~ said...

good luck, elle.

i hope it all works out like you desire! sometimes asking for help is just the step we need to take to get the ball rolling and on to better things/places in our lives!

12:59 PM
just jamie said...

Oh. Oh. Oh.

If it helps, and it probably won't, I *know* where you're coming from. What a wrenching journey the confusion of WHY can be...

But, BUT... there's always a solution.

For me, it only took Clomid and IUI (not IVF) to end up with my twins. Only. Pshaw. But really...keep going. I'm pulling for you.

8:07 PM
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3:27 AM