You shouldn'ta said that

So last night after seeing The DaVinci Code BF and I got onto the topic of the G-man. We have different views on religion, though it's difficult to figure out just how different our views actually are. I'm not exactly a non-believer, but I'm certainly not your typical Faithful either. In talking about God, and without really thinking much beforehand, I f-bombed the Big Guy. As in, "F Him."

Silence followed.

Now, I realize that sounds just a little bit irreverent. (I think in that silence we were both bracing ourselves for a swift and mighty smiting.) But the context is important here. We were talking about people doing God's work - missions in the name of the Lord because it's presumed that those acts are what He would want His followers to be doing in His name. And I was suggesting that perhaps if God's so picky about how He feels His earth ought be run, He might want to just come on down here and handle some things Himself. If He's too lazy to do that, well, then, f*ck Him. I think the words "f*ck" and "God" aren't used very often together, because boy did that statement seem to ring out and hang in the air.

But why can't they be used together? Why can't I have expectations about my God? While BF stared at me, stone cold, I tried to justify myself. Though it seems irreverent, it actually is somewhat respectful (in my mind). I believe that if there is a God, then He can handle an f-bomb here and there thrown out by someone struggling to accept a very complicated relationship with Him. At least there's some energy behind it. My anger, to me, signals a passion that ought to be the cornerstone of any very individual faith. Plus, I think my God can swallow some back talk. Worship is one of the principles that I take issue with in religion - I don't actually believe my God would need me to fall at His feet before opening up the pearly gates to His Kingdom. I hope His judgments would be solely based on my humanitarianism. Otherwise, hello - ego!?!? I trust that my God is not arrogant. So that's my justification for talking smack about Our Savior: I believe that my God is a nobler god than a deity who demands unquestioning worship (or capital H's for that matter but I'm in enough trouble already). Which means that I think very highly of my God. I just don't fear Him. Thus the sass mouth.

I realize this justification isn't going to fly with everyone. I'm sure it'll seem disrespectful to some that I'm even writing about God in such familiar terms. But no one, and nothing, in my mind, is above some thoughtful scrutiny. I'm being genuine when I say that the comment wasn't coming from a disrespectful place. I question and provoke anyone I respect or believe in, because to me that's where real respect comes from - a labored decision, not a mandate. I just hold God in no exception.

Admittedly (so you can see that I'm not a total ogre) I'll agree that the comment was disrespectful to BF and his religious convictions, and thus should not have been made in his house. If I could take it back, for that reason I would.



Trish said...

Hi Elle,
I'm with you on this one. I too have a "personal" relationship with God and have let formal worship go by the wayside. Religion is the most divisive thing people have come up with. Every religion not only preaches goodness but also that THEY are the right there should be a right and wrong way to pray. And God forbid one should be from another belief...where is all the goodwill and charity then? No...your ass needs converting!

So I have decided that I am just going to go about my life being kind and helpfull to everyone and if that's not good enough for my God, well then......

12:04 PM