MacCrankipants

Yesterday we tried a new church. It was very... modern. They had a church rock band. Oddly, although I consider myself a progressive person, I like my church experience to be ultra traditional. I also prefer it to be a different denomination than the one we went to yesterday, but a friend of mine suggested her church, and I felt we at the very least should check it out. But now we're in the awkward position of having to admit we didn't like it... so it might have been more socially graceful to never have gone in the first place.

Things with the family visit are going okay. Hero was a bit of a devil yesterday, raising both my and Hubs' stress level through the roof. He growled at/bit us a total of four times. And we really don't want him to snap at one of my nieces. I think having a total of eight people in the house is too much for him. We're going to try to reinstate all of his training rules today and see if that helps - we'd eased up since we had company and didn't feel like teaching everyone how to train the dog. It's just so hard having so many ups and downs with him - he gets better, he regresses. And our hopes for him spike and decline along with his behavior. Because when it comes to having either a baby in the house or the dog, there can't be a contest. I don't want it to come to that, because I don't want Hero to lose. Of course I love him. More each day. Why can't our love and patience be enough? Or at the very least our love, patience, and the thousand dollars we've thrown down on his account already?

I also do appreciate my family's concern about my job search, but to be honest I have designated times I think about it, and designated times I don't. I don't think about it at nine o'clock at night. I just don't. I don't really think of it past eight. Just like I don't think of death, watch hospital dramas or sad, violent or scary movies right before bed. So when you're watching the ten o'clock news and they talk about the unemployment rate, don't start a conversation with me about how maybe if I volunteered that would lead to a job. I don't want to hear it. I want to sleep soundly, and thinking about the black hole that has become my professional future does not facilitate that.

The thing is, I'm being ungracious. I'm getting irritated with little things and reading into them that my family does not respect me or my household. My mom has overtaken my kitchen, but it's because she wants to pamper me and doesn't want me to be stressed preparing meals for everyone. My sister and her husband have made themselves completely comfortable in our home (including borrowing our car without asking) but it's because they want to make their presence in our home easier on everyone. It's just that when I'm a guest in someone's home, I'm a guest. Meaning I defer control of situations to the person who pays the mortgage. But control is something C women naturally take, and the fact that my mom and sister jump in to do so shouldn't surprise me. It's just that it leaves me feeling relegated to my pre-pubescent days of being the one everyone took care of. And right now, I don't want to be taken care of. I can't be. I want to take care of everyone else. I feel like I'm being robbed of that opportunity. I'm shoved out of the kitchen and told what the plan is rather than asked what it should be.

I'm lucky to have a family who loves me so much. I'm lucky to have people who rush in to take care of me. I know this. But I'm also an unemployed woman who can't find a job and can't support a baby in her womb, so I need to feel like I can do something. Like I'm needed for something. And lately the things I've been needed for during a normal week are cooking, entertaining, cleaning, and running my household. If you take that from my hands, there is little else I feel like I'm contributing.

And the worst part of all (yes, I am seriously complaining about having a family - I do know how ungrateful that is - I do know that people are alone during the holidays and that I'm incredibly fortunate) is that because I feel so teary, in order to keep from crying I snap at people. Because if I don't suck all the emotion out of my voice, I know it will crack and the tears will bubble over and people will rush to comfort me. After which point, they'll walk on eggshells around me. Which would definitely be intolerable.