Grasping

I looked at Hubs, who looked back at me. I was in shock. Not possible. I'm supposed to have fertility problems. We've only just gone off the pill a month and a half ago. No one gets pregnant two weeks off the pill. Especially not me - I'm supposed to have a hard time with this. I already scheduled the appointment at the IF clinic. Something is supposed to be wrong with me. And yet... three tests (yes, I did three) stared back at us from the bathroom counter, saying otherwise. As did the myriad of symptoms prompting us to take the tests. We're going to have a baby?!?

If only time could have stopped here. In the happy place we got to enjoy for less than one day. Not twenty four hours. Our dreams of parenthood hadn't begun to take even a blurry shape. We'd hardly got our minds around it. Hubs had only just nicknamed "The Little Cashew" when things began to go horribly wrong.

Saturday night, in the middle of the party we were hosting for the IL's 40th anniversary, I began to bleed. And then to cramp. And didn't stop.

Yesterday we spent all morning into the afternoon at the doctor's. The doctor came into the room where Hubs and I sat holding hands. "This is a pregnancy confirmation visit?" he asked, looking at paperwork, smiling. My eyes filled with tears. "No, we're pretty sure we've already miscarried."

I had a physical exam, a urine test, a blood test, and two ultrasounds. I'm exhausted and confused. My cervix isn't dilated, my hormone levels say "pregnant", and there's something in my uterus that gives my doctor pause. But it's so small. We have to wait and see. There's so much blood. It's probably a miscarriage that just hasn't had time to complete itself. But there is, my doctor told me, reason to be hopeful that "TLC" which could only be seen via vaginal ultrasound may just hang on. We won't know until we know. We don't go back until next week. So we continue to hold out hope, which continues to tear my heart apart. Five days ago I didn't even know we had this. And now, the thought of losing it is unbearable.

All we do now is wait. Dreams are a slippery thing.

 

22 comments:

seussgirl said...

Oh hon, there aren't really words. But there are prayers, and I'm praying for you guys.
(hugs)

12:22 PM
alison said...

Ohhh sweetie. I'm sending huge prayers up for you. I wish this wait wasn't so crapified right now. Hoping things work out for the best. *hugs*

12:27 PM
Mel said...

I am so sorry for this agonizing hell you must be in. I cannot even begin to understand or know the right words to say, but I will send up a pray and *hugs* your way right now.

12:48 PM
DeeMarie said...

Oh Elle, I'm so sorry. I will be praying so hard for you. Let us out here in the Internet world know if there is anything we can do. Huge Prayers and hugs to you, Hubs and TLC.

12:59 PM
Streakin Iron said...

I hope it all works out! I can only imagine the grief in waiting like this. All things happen for a reason, so take hope in that!

1:07 PM
momofonefornow said...

Hi, totally new here but I absolutely feel for you. I can't imagine how hard this must be.

1:15 PM
Trish said...

The waiting and uncertainty and hope and love for the Little Cashew that may or may not be is overwhelming isn't it?

Hugs and keeping my fingers crossed.

1:33 PM
Kelli said...

You and Hubs and TLC are in my thoughts and prayers. Take care of each other.

2:01 PM
Moxie said...

There really aren't words for how this feels, or how scary it is waiting for results. Please know that we are thinking of you and keeping our fingers crossed for you. If you need to talk (or just be there), I'm here.

I was so happy to read the beginning of your post and just cried at the end. I really hope the rollercoaster has a happy ending :)

Love
S

2:26 PM
HeatherPride said...

Oh my goodness. I'm so sorry. I hope everything works out for you. It is so heartbreaking. Take care of yourself. I'm thinking about you.

2:37 PM
Ally said...

Oh, sweetie, I'm so, so sorry. I wish I had the right words to make the waiting less painful and the time fly by. Just know you're in my thoughts and prayers.

3:09 PM
mommy2twinkies-Deb said...

Oh, Sweetie! So sorry to hear that you're going through such a hard time. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

3:28 PM
Fertilized said...

oh hon, i am SO very sad and sorry. be very gentle with yourself. There are plenty people thinking of you

3:29 PM
Bee said...

I am praying that everything works out for you, and having been through this myself I know just how hard it is to wait.

3:38 PM
Scotty said...

My thoughts are with you all, hope everything turns out ok..

5:46 PM
Jenny said...

Oh darling girl.. my heart breaks for you. Hold onto hope, rest,take care of yourself...eat something, try very hard not to let the worry take over... I'll be keeping you in my prayers...

6:00 PM
Jenny said...

One more thing, e mail me if you get a chance...

6:08 PM
Bob said...

My fiancee nudged my elbow and she said, "read this". She handed me her laptop. I read it. I got teary-eyed. I've never met Laura in person, but I feel I know her. I can't believe I cried, but I did. We all cried for you Laura. But now, we all hold hope for you and Hubs. Hope and prayers. Wish I could hug you right now.

10:37 PM
Swishy said...

Oh, my gosh ... I cannot even begin to imagine what you must be feeling right now. I am thinking of you and hope you're OK.

11:01 PM
Happy Not-So-Newlywed said...

Oh dear, I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I will be praying for you and little TLC.

Take care,
Ellie

9:32 AM
Grad3 said...

The words I am sorry never really cover it all when applied to the loss of a baby (confirmed or not).

All the endless waiting, the silence... funny how silence can suddenly get so loud around these times, huh? (Sigh...) I wish I could end this pain and worry for you. If I had a magic wand I would send it this instant...

I will hope that next week brings brighter news. Until then I am sending prayers and endless bounds of positive energy and peace your way... ~Big Hugs~

10:05 AM
Steph at Problem Solvin' Mom said...

Oh hon, I hope things work out, if not this time then soon. I'm sure this is agonizing for you, and will be praying for you and hubs!

Blessings,
Steph

5:40 PM