Grasping

I looked at Hubs, who looked back at me. I was in shock. Not possible. I'm supposed to have fertility problems. We've only just gone off the pill a month and a half ago. No one gets pregnant two weeks off the pill. Especially not me - I'm supposed to have a hard time with this. I already scheduled the appointment at the IF clinic. Something is supposed to be wrong with me. And yet... three tests (yes, I did three) stared back at us from the bathroom counter, saying otherwise. As did the myriad of symptoms prompting us to take the tests. We're going to have a baby?!?

If only time could have stopped here. In the happy place we got to enjoy for less than one day. Not twenty four hours. Our dreams of parenthood hadn't begun to take even a blurry shape. We'd hardly got our minds around it. Hubs had only just nicknamed "The Little Cashew" when things began to go horribly wrong.

Saturday night, in the middle of the party we were hosting for the IL's 40th anniversary, I began to bleed. And then to cramp. And didn't stop.

Yesterday we spent all morning into the afternoon at the doctor's. The doctor came into the room where Hubs and I sat holding hands. "This is a pregnancy confirmation visit?" he asked, looking at paperwork, smiling. My eyes filled with tears. "No, we're pretty sure we've already miscarried."

I had a physical exam, a urine test, a blood test, and two ultrasounds. I'm exhausted and confused. My cervix isn't dilated, my hormone levels say "pregnant", and there's something in my uterus that gives my doctor pause. But it's so small. We have to wait and see. There's so much blood. It's probably a miscarriage that just hasn't had time to complete itself. But there is, my doctor told me, reason to be hopeful that "TLC" which could only be seen via vaginal ultrasound may just hang on. We won't know until we know. We don't go back until next week. So we continue to hold out hope, which continues to tear my heart apart. Five days ago I didn't even know we had this. And now, the thought of losing it is unbearable.

All we do now is wait. Dreams are a slippery thing.