Finally picking up the phone

Today I made plans with a new friend C to hang out on Friday. The catch is that hanging out means spending the morning with her two little boys. CB is three and Q is about 6 months. CB likes me a lot and is the sweetest little boy you could imagine. A few weeks back I was totally looking forward to hanging out with them all. Then we miscarried and I couldn't bring myself to call her. It was just too much to imagine spending a 'kid day' at their house. Really, it was too much to imagine spending any kind of day with anyone for a while.

Since my trip to Austin I've been feeling a lot better. Before I'd left I started to get excited about the prospect of trying to get pregnant again. A friend of mine who'd been through something similar had told me that would happen, but I couldn't quite believe her that it would. Well, it did. It started to seem like a fun adventure and Hubs and I began planning for the future instead of standing rooted in the recent past.

Of course, at the same time I felt like I didn't want to be pregnant again, but thankfully that doesn't seem to be an issue right now. I can't explain that feeling, but I think it has to do with the planning. We're not ready. I don't have a job yet, and that's a big unknown in my life right now, and in our finances as well. When we didn't think we'd get pregnant, and we did, it was a surprise and that made the thought of scurrying to get everything into place seem exciting. But now I want everything to be in place when we get pregnant, and it's not yet.

Really it's just the job. We have the house, the yard, the daycare plan (or at least part of it), the suppliers (my sis is bringing hand-me-down maternity clothes and everything baby at Thanksgiving). We know we can take care of Hero and not accidentally kill him, so that's a start. We feel ready for the responsibility. I'm no longer skipping meals, my most strenuous work out is walking Hero, and I eat super healthfully and take my prenatals. So my body is ready.

But I want and need to find a job (preferably part time) and I need to get that part of my life in order. I've been working on a novel so I'm hoping a writing career could eventually work down the line, but I don't want to depend on that since it's such a big IF. I love to write and dream of chick lit story lines in my sleep, but let's be real: it's not an easy or steady career path. I hate that this job market sucks, and I hate that I was once successful in my own right and now I'm stuck. I miss my old job, and I feel so bitter that everything I worked so hard for has come to a grinding halt.

And, I hate that I can't spend any money. I miss THINGS. I like THINGS. Handbags and makeup and clothes. I need an income!!!

So clearly I have to straighten this out.

All this from scheduling a breakfast.