Finally picking up the phone

Today I made plans with a new friend C to hang out on Friday. The catch is that hanging out means spending the morning with her two little boys. CB is three and Q is about 6 months. CB likes me a lot and is the sweetest little boy you could imagine. A few weeks back I was totally looking forward to hanging out with them all. Then we miscarried and I couldn't bring myself to call her. It was just too much to imagine spending a 'kid day' at their house. Really, it was too much to imagine spending any kind of day with anyone for a while.

Since my trip to Austin I've been feeling a lot better. Before I'd left I started to get excited about the prospect of trying to get pregnant again. A friend of mine who'd been through something similar had told me that would happen, but I couldn't quite believe her that it would. Well, it did. It started to seem like a fun adventure and Hubs and I began planning for the future instead of standing rooted in the recent past.

Of course, at the same time I felt like I didn't want to be pregnant again, but thankfully that doesn't seem to be an issue right now. I can't explain that feeling, but I think it has to do with the planning. We're not ready. I don't have a job yet, and that's a big unknown in my life right now, and in our finances as well. When we didn't think we'd get pregnant, and we did, it was a surprise and that made the thought of scurrying to get everything into place seem exciting. But now I want everything to be in place when we get pregnant, and it's not yet.

Really it's just the job. We have the house, the yard, the daycare plan (or at least part of it), the suppliers (my sis is bringing hand-me-down maternity clothes and everything baby at Thanksgiving). We know we can take care of Hero and not accidentally kill him, so that's a start. We feel ready for the responsibility. I'm no longer skipping meals, my most strenuous work out is walking Hero, and I eat super healthfully and take my prenatals. So my body is ready.

But I want and need to find a job (preferably part time) and I need to get that part of my life in order. I've been working on a novel so I'm hoping a writing career could eventually work down the line, but I don't want to depend on that since it's such a big IF. I love to write and dream of chick lit story lines in my sleep, but let's be real: it's not an easy or steady career path. I hate that this job market sucks, and I hate that I was once successful in my own right and now I'm stuck. I miss my old job, and I feel so bitter that everything I worked so hard for has come to a grinding halt.

And, I hate that I can't spend any money. I miss THINGS. I like THINGS. Handbags and makeup and clothes. I need an income!!!

So clearly I have to straighten this out.

All this from scheduling a breakfast.

 

21 comments:

Crys :D said...

i'd buy/read your book. and i'd help to pimp you out. just please promise that your lead character will not (a) live in New York or London, and (b) be a writer. Writers write about writers, and apparently everyone in chicklit world lives in one of those two cities.

uhhh... unless your novel has already been started and it takes place in London or New York and is about a writer... then... umm... KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK! :)

10:07 AM
Mel said...

It is VERY hard to feel like you don't have a plan, but I find it interesting that some of the very best things in life are of the unplanned variety. Things will fall in to place, they always do.

*hugs*

10:16 AM
Kelli said...

You sound like you're ready to take on the world,Sister! Go ahead with your bad self!!! :)

10:28 AM
Fertilized said...

It's amazing where our mind will take us over just a simple task isn't it.

10:34 AM
Steph at Problem Solvin' Mom said...

Sounds like it's all coming together, I hope you are able to find a job you enjoy and that inspires you - I know it's hard in this economy.

What kind of job are you looking for, in the meantime between now and super successful novelist? (at which point I hope you remember us!) Just in case I could suggest any networking tips...

hugs,
Steph

10:43 AM
DeeMarie said...

Depending on how open you are to a PT position, I might be able to help you get something, even seasonally. Email me if you want details.

11:33 AM
Grad3 said...

Not that L and I are the best example but we were in a very similar place. Then finally, it just worked out. Everything fell into place.

It was hard going through it, because I have control issues, but when I started to kinda let life go and accept that I couldn't control everything it started to all come together. But that was my journey (or is)-- yours will unfold and it will be just right for you and Hubs. Hang in there- your time is coming :)

11:40 AM
alison said...

Go you! I love your positive attitude. You remind me of me in that sense. You can always remember the sad of the past, but dwelling on it holds us back. Good luck in making all these things happen!

12:54 PM
mommy2twinkies-Deb said...

I get it totally. I'm wondering what you were doing before MN? I was a banker pre-twins. I miss work sometimes too (although they make me work :-) I'm struggling to find something to do with the few hours I have that is not child related. I guess that's why I blog, but it's still child related!

1:03 PM
HeatherPride said...

Yeah, as much as I hate working and juggling a family, I don't think I could stand living on just my husband's income. I know raising children is more important than any other job I could have, but I still need the adult interaction and the feeling that I'm contributing to our finances. Although, I wish our mortgage payment would allow me to work part-time, I think that would be a perfect balance!!

1:28 PM
~Jennifer~ said...

I think planning is great! I'm a big-time planner. I plan and budget and plan some more.

But the best things in life are NEVER or at best rarely planned, plain and simple.

What is it you want to do for work?

1:29 PM
Scotty said...

I want everything to be in place when we get pregnant
I think thats the best thing you can do right now...

You're writing a book?

3:50 PM
Casey said...

I understand you not being ready to be around your friend's kids just yet. I also understand the wanting to find a job. I miss the working world and the adult interaction. It's great being able to stay home but sometimes it's just hard. It sounds like you have everything in line for when you're ready to try again which is more than most people. Good luck with the novel!

6:59 PM
steenky bee said...

Well, get ready. Since you posted that and threw that into the universe, you are so going to get pregnant. It happens. You're writing a book? Way to go! Won't you work in a tribute to me somehow? I'll consider the words "Chapter 1" as a silent nod to me. Squeal!

9:56 PM
Living Balanced said...

I too have been looking for something part-time, this economy is tough.

Didn't know you are writing a novel. That's really cool!

10:56 PM
Swishy said...

EMAIL ME so we can chat about writing! swishygirl13 at aol.com

11:58 PM
drowninginlaundry said...

You know, if you wait until you are 'ready' you may never be ready. You know what I mean? There always seems to be something that you need/want/have to do first.

I say wing it, and then deal with the outcome. Either way - you won't be sorry!

9:50 AM
Bina said...

You are so funny, and sound like such a "planner". It has been my experience that when things just "happen", it's always for the best and it's the right time, so maybe one day you'll just find your pregnant, even though it wasn't planned, and it will all fall in to place.

But hey, planning DOES have it's advantages as well. Good luck on the part-time job search. Have you tried any temp agencies? That's how I got my job here 14 years ago. It was a temp job that turned in to a full time perm position.

12:14 PM
Melissa said...

I totally understand wanting to get everything in place before you start trying to get pregnant again.
Keep up the good health habits, and good luck trying! I'll be SO pleased when the second line turns pink for you! :o)

11:59 PM
Bob said...

On the upside, gas in Kentucky is now only $2.06 a gallon!! It's still $2.48 here, but will continue to go down!

9:26 AM
Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

If nothing else, it sounds like you have a plan in sight. It will work out. Things always have a way of falling into the places they should--its just waiting for it to happen that is the worst. ((HUGS))

6:32 PM