Spin Cycle: What's lurking in the back of my closet

The next Spin Cycle topic (brought to us by Sprite's Keeper) is fear. And it didn't take me long to figure out what I'm most afraid of. I'm afraid I'll continue to be as miserable as I feel right now. Not miserable like sobbing into a tissue miserable, but a consistent state of apathy with a touch of nastiness. I've been that way since the doctors told us maybe, when I knew full well there was no maybe. The situation was bad and we all knew it. But their insistence on hope made me hopeful, and that hopefulness, once finally crushed, has made me bitter.

I'm afraid I'll continue to be annoyed when the neighbor kids ring my doorbell to play with Hero. When I'm forced to smile at anyone. When there's a line at the checkout counter. When people pop over to see how we are. When the phone rings. When Hero needs me too much. When folks at the dog park walk too close to me. When anyone wants anything at all from me, when I feel like I have nothing to give.

I'm afraid that this minor setback has thrown me back farther than I could possibly have imagined. This loss, so small compared to what other people have experienced. Why am I so angry about it? And when will that feeling go away? Will it ever? My fear is that it won't.

My fear is that I'm not ready to try this again. My fear is that I'm too ready to try this again.



Kelli said...

I understand how you feel.

Never feel that your loss is any smaller than anyone else's--loss is relative; we only truly know what we experience.

Time will heal your heart.

5:01 PM
Sprite's Keeper said...

Elle, I wasn't sure what you were talking about since I'm pretty new to your site, but looking back, all I can say is that you now have a very special place in my heart. I know you've recieved condolences and "it will be alright"s and "it's for the best"s. You know what? I hated those when I heard them myself. After I went through it, I was afraid I would never be able to take the plunge again. I was afraid of another miscarriage once we did (4 years later, it took me awhile to get back my confidence), and only when the baby was out did I stop holding onto the doubt that something would go wrong. The feeling right now does ebb. I learned from another friend that wounds take time to heal. The pain will never just go away immediately. It needs to get a little better then a little worse then a little better to actually heal. The worst part is that noone can see this wound. My heart did heal. My wound did mend. I have a scar, but it's a part of me.
Beautiful post. You're linked.

5:07 PM
HeatherPride said...

I have never experienced your specific pain, but I agree with the other two commenters in that it's something you will work through in your own time. Never think that you should or shouldn't feel one way or the other. You just feel. And eventually you will feel less of this. I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I am thinking about you, every day.

6:30 PM
Casey said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, really. And it is worthy of being upset about, that's a huge deal. I hope you can find the strength to try again soon. Great spin!

6:31 PM
momofonefornow said...

I really wish you believed that your loss matters as much as anyone else's. No one says that someone who looses a parent has any less right to grieve than someone that looses a brother. It ought to be the same thing with infants. 1 day or 1 month or 6 months, it doesn't matter. You loved your child just like anyone else that lost their child. You have every right and deserve to be able to grieve fully. I can't imagine how you will ever be able to "move on" if you will not allow yourself to fully accept that you lost a baby; a baby that was just as important as any other baby. Your baby mattered. Your baby mattered. I can't say it enough. Your baby mattered and we grieve for it with you.

6:36 PM
Jenny said...

You deserve to grieve fully.. and part of that is feeling bitter, feeling angry, feeling nasty, feeling spent.. it's all part of it and the more you try to fight it, the more it takes over. Let yourself grieve honey. It was your baby... let yourself feel the loss.. Your loss was no small thing.

6:43 PM
seussgirl said...

Just reiterating others' thoughts - allow yourself to grieve, allow yourself to believe this loss is worth grieving; don't compare it to others'.
I know it feels like you won't get through this, and hearing that you will won't make you feel better now. So just know that we're here for you, we're reading you, and we're grieving with you.

7:59 PM
Supervised Mama said...

Oh honey, I am so sorry. I've always thougt that would be the worst kind of pain. Your in my prayers.

I'm so glad you joined the spin.

8:37 PM
Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

Your loss is real and no smaller than anyone else's. I don't know that the anger will go away completely, but like many things, it dulls with time. My anger ultimately became a slight twinge that stung anytime news of a baby came up. Sometimes the sting was more intense than others, but I'm sad to say that its still there.

Being ready to try again is scary as all hell. But it is very necessary in moving forward. You're on the right track...and I promise that with time it will get better. ((HUGS))

9:13 PM
DeeMarie said...

Sweetie, you are just a doll. You encourage me on my little droopy day, while your heart is breaking. I can't imagine to know your pain, but I know that it's real. And I'm praying for you. Take all the time you need. Continue to use this outlet if it helps. We're all here and we all care. Beautiful Spin.

9:34 PM
Anonymous said...

First, let me tell you how truly sorry I am for your loss. We have grieved right along with you at our home. Our love and prayers have gone out for your family. I've never been through what you just experienced but from my experience in life, let me reassure you, you won't forget, it just won't be as painful in time. It's ok to have the feelings you have right now, let yourself and hubs grieve for the loss that you have had. It's a natural process your emotions need to go through. With love from our family, Sue (Bob's fiance)

11:57 AM
Bob said...

L, would you consider not taking such super hot baths? I have no idea how heat affects females, but I, being a male, know that extended heat does affect males and their reproductive parts. Ask your doctor next time you have an appt. I'm just surmising and have no medical expertise. I just want you and your Hubs to be happy.

...and my blogsite is safe now. I deleted that blog.

4:41 PM
Sammanthia said...

I feel a little silly telling you "I'm sorry", I know you've heard it all before, and apologies from a stranger may not mean much. But I am sorry and I hope everything gets better you.

6:38 PM
DeeMarie said...

Hey Girlie! I tagged you!! Check out my blog. :)

7:55 PM
jenboglass said...

Never say that others have gone through worse. That's only your perception. This is your life and you are the one that has to live through it. I know the fear and the pain you are talking about. I've lived it too. I agree with Sprite's Keeper when she says it's a scar that becomes part of you. I have that scar, but I love my scar. My scar help me find what I needed and make room in my life for my two little miracles.

8:22 PM
mrsbear said...

I think it's normal to be angry. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It sounds so small, next to your loss. You will be in my thoughts.

10:06 PM
Krystal said...

I just wanted to say, feel what you feel, cry when you want to cry. Like Jen said, it will get better, it will get worse, and then it will get better. I have been there twice and the wounds in my heart are still there, even when those days pass but I look at the experience and what I have in front of me and it helps dull the pain. I hope you find your own way of coping, it is hard to listen to others.

2:33 PM
bessie.viola said...

Hugs to you... this is a fear that many women hold, I'm sure, following what you've been through.

I have no advice, as I'm sure you're full to overflowing on that - but wanted to offer a site that I think could be comforting and offer some community for you: http://www.sweetsalty.com/

Sending prayers for healing, peace and absence of fear.

11:11 AM
Ali-Pants said...

Wow, amazing spin. That feeling of hopelessness jives with a lot of different challenges in life. I wish I had a magic phrase for this comment that could take your fear away and assure you a successful pregnancy. Oh how I wish.

8:30 PM