Pulled under

I feel angry. I wish I didn't, but I do. Last night I felt overwhelming fury because we didn't have any stamps. I'm pretty sure it wasn't really about the stamps.

The thing is, I longed for this baby. I never for one second believed I deserved it, but I really really wanted to get to keep it.

I can imagine a million justifiable reasons why the powers that be would decide I'm not fit to carry this child. But I just want to know what the deciding factor was.

 

14 comments:

seussgirl said...

I'm so so sorry. I don't want to give you platitudes, but know that this ISN'T about you not being fit to carry this child. I don't know why it happened, but I know that that wasn't it.
Thinking of you...

7:06 AM
DeeMarie said...

It has NOTHING to do with you not being fit. There's no explanation. It stinks. You are totally allowed to be mad. I know I don't really know you, but know I'm here.

7:12 AM
mommy2twinkies-Deb said...

Elle, I just want to give you a big hug. I am so sorry.

7:33 AM
Bob said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
7:55 AM
Bob said...

Hey L..
If you wish, just send your email address to

renaissancebob@hotmail.com

It'll go to my junkmail, so put FROM ELLE CHARLIE in the subject line, and I'll look for it.

The email was about the Charlotte, NC painting I was commissioned to do. I was the deleter of previous msg. I forgot to put that bit in about the subject line.

7:58 AM
HeatherPride said...

This is such a difficult situation. I wish I knew exactly what to say. I just want you to know that I really feel for you. Hang in there. I'm so sorry.

8:49 AM
Grad3 said...

When there is the loss of a baby it's hard not to think that the universe is punishing you for some reason. After all, you must have done something to deserve so much pain.

Perhaps it's because you are unfit and the universe it trying to tell you that. It's just simply not true. We search for a reason because if there is no reason then how can we place blame? How can we admit to ourselves that there really are things in our life that we cannot control? It's a helpless feeling and it leaves us feeling vulnerable.

There is no one to blame- no one. It's a terrible loss and you could have done everything perfectly and things still would not have been different. That's what makes it so hard.

Hang in there, you can get through this... ~Big Hugs~

8:50 AM
Jenny said...

Sweet girl.. there is nothing you did wrong, there is nothing you did to deserve this. You are not broken, unworthy, lacking... It is just a terrible, horrible thing that happened. I know you want an answer, any answer even if it is that it is your fault. But the answer may never come. Please be easy on yourself. You will get through this. You will. And the anger will dissipate. The sadness and longing, well, I don't know that will ever fully go away. But you will get through this.

Hugs to you dear. And to the hubs too.

9:43 AM
Kelli said...

Everything you feel is completely normal, I'm sure. You're grieving and it's an arduous process sometimes. It's hard not to ask "why" and it's hard to think that we might never know "why". I wish there were words or prayers or material things or *something* that would make you feel better...but time is the only thing. The sadness will never go away but it will eventually be a lot easier to live with. Promise.

9:47 AM
Trish said...

I had an early miscarriage once too and I cried a sad, lost, hurting cry because to me this was my baby no matter what the calendar said.

Please don't blame yourself - you did nothing wrong.

I am so sorry

{hugs and comfort}

9:51 AM
alison said...

Don't blame yourself, the whole shitty thing is that you will probably never know the whys. It's just all so out of our control. But aboslutely you have the right to be sad and angry. I'm praying that there's another way for this to all be ok.

And thank you for your love and support, I can't even comprehend how difficult of a spot you're in right now, and yet still showering me with goodness.

10:55 AM
alison said...

Don't blame yourself, the whole shitty thing is that you will probably never know the whys. It's just all so out of our control. But aboslutely you have the right to be sad and angry. I'm praying that there's another way for this to all be ok.

And thank you for your love and support, I can't even comprehend how difficult of a spot you're in right now, and yet still showering me with goodness.

10:55 AM
Happy Not-So-Newlywed said...

Oh girl, this is not your fault at all. Shitty things just happen and they suck, but you can't blame yourself.

I second Alison- thank you for your support during this hard time for you. It means so much to me.

Take care,
Ellie

3:13 PM
Ringleader said...

Hey there- found you in the comment department at the Steenky Bee. Glad I did!

I have myself, had 3 miscarriages and it always, always sucks, hurts, breaks your heart and leaves you feeling completely empty minus the pain, no matter if it happens after a few weeks of pregnancy (my 1st one) or after a few months (3rd one). I wish I could give you a big hug. I can also happily report, that in between the powers that be choosing to break my heart, they also granted me 3 awesome kids- so please hang in there and know you aren't alone. I'll cry with you!

1:42 PM