The last to know

"For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these: "It might have been.""
John Greenleaf Whittier


***
My subconscious just won't let it go. Last night I had a lovely dream that I went to a doctor who was shocked to hear that my previous doctor had told us we'd miscarried. "But wait, I think I see something!" she said with excitement, pointing out a hazy image on a sonogram. "And I'm hearing a heartbeat!" I heard it too - I felt it, even, in my belly. Ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom.

I got dressed again and the doctor gave me a chicken sandwich (I don't know). I munched on it while I imagined calling Hubs to tell him the good news - it was all a huge mistake. The baby is fine, it's still with us! It's right here, in my belly. I can feel it.

* * *
I woke up with emptiness in the pit of my stomach where the heartbeat had been moments earlier in my dream. It didn't take me more than a millisecond to realize it was just a fantasy. I felt a huge wave of sadness, but then to my surprise was able to get out of bed and on with my day. For the first time I thought that our life is okay, right now. With just the two of us (and of course Hero). I want a baby, we want a baby, but for now we are doing alright. We'll just try again.

We'll just try again.

 

14 comments:

Casey said...

Ugh, what a terrible dream. On the bright side, chicken sandwiches are always good?!? Sorry you're having such a hard time.

4:24 PM
HeatherPride said...

Yes, you will try again. I wish you so much love and luck and happiness, I truly do! (hugs)

5:19 PM
DeeMarie said...

It's so wonderful that you can share your heart, but most of all it's wonderful that you're working through it. I ditto Heather. I wish you so much love and luck and happiness. I'll ditto the hug too. :)

7:29 PM
momofonefornow said...

OK, so admittedly waking up form the dream sucked but I am so glad that you were able to get up and keep going. Big hugs.

And a chicken sandwich? Did you crave one today?

7:32 PM
Supervised Mama said...

You have tears in my eyes, I'm so sorry that you're in pain. I couldn't imagine a harder loss. But it truely sounds like you're going in the right direction. I'm sendinf losts of love and prayers your way! Keep trying we'll be here for you!

7:57 PM
Bob said...

I can't and won't try to imagine what you are going through, but I know where you can get some peace of mind. Expressing yourself here is good (at least I think it's good to just talk it out). I don't know if you attend a church, but any pastor worth their salt will gladly just sit and listen. And hopefully give you some words of encouragement, words of hope and words of peace about your situation. A really good pastor will not judge you (there are those that may say that this is some sort of punishment for your past)or condemn you for wanting this so badly (some may say you are trying to rush God's will). Find a pastor/priest that you are comfortable with and express your feelings of hurt, disappointment and grief. You should then be ready to tackle the next day with hope.--- take care and may God bless you and your loving husband.

8:15 PM
steenky bee said...

Keep going. Being content doesn't mean you resigned to anything. It just means that you're understanding your situation a little bit more. Always keep hope. I'm glad you can share during your difficult time. All of this is part of your journey to the finish. Try not to hate the road there too much. I did for the longest time and it took a strange circumstance (long story) to make me love it again. ((hugs))

8:44 PM
Ally said...

Definitely keep going. It's harder than giving in, but so much more rewarding. Breathe, breathe, breathe, and live in the moment as much as possible. I wish all good things your way.

9:04 PM
Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

I had a dream like that right before I lost my twins. It was terrible. And the odd thing was that when I woke up I knew I had lost them. So strange how our minds work. But I'm so glad to hear that you are going to keep trying. Wishing you all the best and I'm looking forward to reading about your journey to mommyhood. ((HUGS))

9:06 PM
Swishy said...

I am so, so sorry that you have to go through this. You WILL have a baby, and it will be the most beautiful baby in the entire world. And the luckiest, too, because it will have such a kind and sweet mama.

2:01 AM
Grad3 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
2:48 PM
Grad3 said...

(my last post was all jumbled-- I was distracted...)

I am so sorry that you are feeling the loss...again. But you know-- again isn't even the right word because it's always with you. Just under the surface. I am sorry that you felt it in full force today.

I am going to hope and pray that your beautiful dream (not so beautiful after waking up) is about your next pregnancy-- chicken sandwich and all...

Tomorrow will be a better day ~Hugs~

2:51 PM
Steph at Problem Solvin' Mom said...

Hugs to you, dear. I can relate to the overwhelming wave of sadness when you wake up from a dream that truly is a wish for something that isn't...for me that happens when I dream about my father. I'm glad you felt a little better today, and I am hoping, praying for your family that it won't be long until you have that baby you are longing for.

Blessings,
Steph

7:47 PM
monica said...

Sometimes dreams can seem so real. I had a friend who waited a long, long, long, time before she had a baby. When I went to visit her at the hospital it was such an emotional time for me b/c of the long wait. But, her baby is beautiful, healthy and very lively. She would say it was worth the wait. Hero is adorable despite the issues.

2:15 AM